Its humorus how funny Satan is really trying to put up road block before I go to Australia.
1. I sent in my application for visa, they email me telling me they need a fax or email of my diploma. So now I know why God made it possible for me to graduate all because Australia doesn't let kid's that didnt graduate in. wow.
2. Mom calls today. Ok for those of you who know my mother...Stacey, Alex, Livy, Linda...and few more you know my mom and I have some issues. I am 19 almost 20 years old and I refuse to be afraid of my mother anymore. I will write honestly about her in my blogs I am NOT trying to slander her but as part of my life it has affected me.
I am going to work on my forgiveness while on DTS thats a huge part of the healing I will be going through, I know this already. But for right now, 2 weeks ago my mom was antagonizing me to the point where I couldn't just sit and be quite anymore. Usually I can handel it and just say "ok mom" and be respectful but she pushed the buttons so hard I finally just told her I knew she was on pain meds again and that She needs to just own up to her addiction like she had before instead of hiding it.
Well this made her so angry that she called the police on me and had me moved out with them there, standing around watching me tear apart my whole room, crying, and putting all of my things into garbage bags. I am laying down my pride right now and saying That was honestly the most shameful thing I think she's had done to me. It really tore me up that my mother [who has kicked me out before all due to this whole addiction] could stoop that low and call the police on her oldest daughter to have her leave.
A lot of my closest friends know the things that have gone on in my moms house, esspecially Stacey she has been there and seen up close my moms anger. Along with her mom, and Livy and Linda. I refuse to hide it anymore, I refuse to just stuff it down and believe that I'm the crazy one in this whole thing because I am not.
I would like to love my mom, I would love to have a relationship with her, and be friends, and be able to go over and hang out with her and my sister. She has dropped a huge wall between me and her and I am done trying to climb it to get to her and help her.
3. Stuart. the step dad. I dont have a relationship with him either. He knows whats going on with my mom and once told me that He is scared to confront her, When I brought this up infront of them to show my mom I wasn't the only one who saw these things, he denied it. Because "my mom is always right" and if you argue she called the police.
Anyways I need to get this off my chest. And now whoever reads this can see a little part of my life and maybe be able to understand me a little bit more. I dont like dwelling on the negative in my life, an old friend helped me realize a time where that was all I did. Now instead I push it away and think of positive things but since I'm so close to being able to get through this I feel its now time to completely open up and be vulnerable to what God has.
Once again, blogging is my online journal more for me then anyone else.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Count Down II
So something this past week has changed in me. I dont know if its because of finding out about my knee, or the new people I've recently met, but it feels like a light has been dimmed in my heart... like turned on, but the lowest glow possible. And thats cool to me, because after talking and praying and thinking so much about this huge adventure God has created for my life I know that by the end the light will be shining with the brightest glow ever.
As I've told a few people already, I took this facebook quiz a few weeks ago, and The title was "how old do you act?" well I apparently act 43 years old. This bothers me only because my mother just turned 43 this month. And I've had to raise myself, I helped raised my sister for a good portion of her birth years and I've had to be "the counselor" to my mom and step father mediating fights and that was when I was between 12-15 years old.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I've had my friends even tell me Laura your over due for some fun, lighten up your being too serious, I think a lot of it is due to stress of this big next step in my life as I move to a different country for a while, and the fact that I've had so many things happen this summer I just have felt like I cant have fun or be a kid anymore, that I'm almost 20 and need to "grow up" Well Im stoked that God took the initiative to give me some encouragement on the way to church this morning on 106.5 one of the guys said something along the line of "God says you need to have faith like a child and no one enters the kingdom who doesnt"
Not only that I forgot what I read exactly last night but it was in the bible while I was at this BFC [Boarders for Christ] bbq/bible study and it was about how God wants us to think and have faith like a child also. This made me happy. Im excited how the DTS will move this into my life by healing the old person and bringing in a new alive child, like being born again into new life. A new generation.
After church this morning I was talking to Livy [one of my mentors who has guided me through a lot] about how last night I had a conversation with Matt after the bible study. I told him about how I kind of feel like I've been dead my whole life, just enduring all of these things wondering when It will stop and I'll be able to heal from them, almost like Im carrying baggage.
While I was talking to Livy about it I got this analogy in my head, I'm carrying all of these suit cases, and I'm asking God "Lord when can I start giving away all of my "clothes"??" When can I start pouring out my life story and move on from it giving part of my testimony out to the ones who it is ment for [like giving them [what I feel is my old clothes] and to them a new outfit and leaving it with them to have a new outfit and "start new"] I'm trying to make this make sence...
But when I find someone who say, came from a broken family and they feel they have no hope, I share with them I came from a broken family look at how God changed me, I give them that new hope. They see that I have moved on from it and grown, so then they can move on and grow! there we go!
Sorry I'm excited I got the words for what was in my head. haha. Anyways yeah so there I am talking to Livy and just telling her I'm super stoked about what God is about to do in my life. How He is going to help me give away my clothes and empty out my baggage so that I can go through the world with just my tunic and the sandels on my feet [and surfboard]
But its cool also how I am going to go to YWAM with all my baggage and God is going to go through all of my clothes in my suitcase, and these I mean are old clothes, they have huge holes in them, and stains! And He is going to sew them all up! and Bleach them! and make them new again! So that when they are all sewn up, [and I am cleaned up] He will send me out on my mission and I will be able to go to the people who have old clothes [hurt and sorrow and no hope] and even though I had these clothes that to me were old, I give them out and to the people that recieve them they have gotten brand new clothes! A brand new hope.
They see how God has healed my heart and made it new and they can therefore ask Jesus to come and clean up their hearts and make them new again too starting with these new clothes a new faith.
And this analogy I think started with what Matt was saying last night at the biblestudy, about the mustard seed and mustard. If you spill mustard on your shirt good luck trying to get it out, you might as well just throw it away and buy a new shirt because its a hard stain to get out. Well if we spread out mustard seeds they also although the smallest seed, and grow into the largest, strongest tree.
Us as Christians start out small and weak, longing to grow but it takes so much time to get to where God wants us because He wants us to empty out our suitcases and allow him to wash and sew up our clothes! and even though we make mistakes and rip our new jeans again and we are sad and scared our parents will get mad, He lets us know He is sitting there just like a mother saying "oh honey you ripped your new jeans, its ok Let me sew them back up for you, dont be upset" Then we get back up and go outside again to play, or go out into the world and start a new day. No matter what God is there and just like Pam said last night too, its like grated flour, once you pour it out on something it latches to whats there, Once you have God he embedds Himself into your life no matter where your at or what your going through He is there for you to cry too, hug, bandage and sew up.
Anyways this is a lot of learning this weekend. and Im genuinly happy about whats moving in my life. In Matts words, I have some great vibes going on :) and can see that God's going to move in some mighty ways.
As I've told a few people already, I took this facebook quiz a few weeks ago, and The title was "how old do you act?" well I apparently act 43 years old. This bothers me only because my mother just turned 43 this month. And I've had to raise myself, I helped raised my sister for a good portion of her birth years and I've had to be "the counselor" to my mom and step father mediating fights and that was when I was between 12-15 years old.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I've had my friends even tell me Laura your over due for some fun, lighten up your being too serious, I think a lot of it is due to stress of this big next step in my life as I move to a different country for a while, and the fact that I've had so many things happen this summer I just have felt like I cant have fun or be a kid anymore, that I'm almost 20 and need to "grow up" Well Im stoked that God took the initiative to give me some encouragement on the way to church this morning on 106.5 one of the guys said something along the line of "God says you need to have faith like a child and no one enters the kingdom who doesnt"
Not only that I forgot what I read exactly last night but it was in the bible while I was at this BFC [Boarders for Christ] bbq/bible study and it was about how God wants us to think and have faith like a child also. This made me happy. Im excited how the DTS will move this into my life by healing the old person and bringing in a new alive child, like being born again into new life. A new generation.
After church this morning I was talking to Livy [one of my mentors who has guided me through a lot] about how last night I had a conversation with Matt after the bible study. I told him about how I kind of feel like I've been dead my whole life, just enduring all of these things wondering when It will stop and I'll be able to heal from them, almost like Im carrying baggage.
While I was talking to Livy about it I got this analogy in my head, I'm carrying all of these suit cases, and I'm asking God "Lord when can I start giving away all of my "clothes"??" When can I start pouring out my life story and move on from it giving part of my testimony out to the ones who it is ment for [like giving them [what I feel is my old clothes] and to them a new outfit and leaving it with them to have a new outfit and "start new"] I'm trying to make this make sence...
But when I find someone who say, came from a broken family and they feel they have no hope, I share with them I came from a broken family look at how God changed me, I give them that new hope. They see that I have moved on from it and grown, so then they can move on and grow! there we go!
Sorry I'm excited I got the words for what was in my head. haha. Anyways yeah so there I am talking to Livy and just telling her I'm super stoked about what God is about to do in my life. How He is going to help me give away my clothes and empty out my baggage so that I can go through the world with just my tunic and the sandels on my feet [and surfboard]
But its cool also how I am going to go to YWAM with all my baggage and God is going to go through all of my clothes in my suitcase, and these I mean are old clothes, they have huge holes in them, and stains! And He is going to sew them all up! and Bleach them! and make them new again! So that when they are all sewn up, [and I am cleaned up] He will send me out on my mission and I will be able to go to the people who have old clothes [hurt and sorrow and no hope] and even though I had these clothes that to me were old, I give them out and to the people that recieve them they have gotten brand new clothes! A brand new hope.
They see how God has healed my heart and made it new and they can therefore ask Jesus to come and clean up their hearts and make them new again too starting with these new clothes a new faith.
And this analogy I think started with what Matt was saying last night at the biblestudy, about the mustard seed and mustard. If you spill mustard on your shirt good luck trying to get it out, you might as well just throw it away and buy a new shirt because its a hard stain to get out. Well if we spread out mustard seeds they also although the smallest seed, and grow into the largest, strongest tree.
Us as Christians start out small and weak, longing to grow but it takes so much time to get to where God wants us because He wants us to empty out our suitcases and allow him to wash and sew up our clothes! and even though we make mistakes and rip our new jeans again and we are sad and scared our parents will get mad, He lets us know He is sitting there just like a mother saying "oh honey you ripped your new jeans, its ok Let me sew them back up for you, dont be upset" Then we get back up and go outside again to play, or go out into the world and start a new day. No matter what God is there and just like Pam said last night too, its like grated flour, once you pour it out on something it latches to whats there, Once you have God he embedds Himself into your life no matter where your at or what your going through He is there for you to cry too, hug, bandage and sew up.
Anyways this is a lot of learning this weekend. and Im genuinly happy about whats moving in my life. In Matts words, I have some great vibes going on :) and can see that God's going to move in some mighty ways.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Countdown
So since August 16th now there have been some crazy happenings in my life so far. For one I got accepted to a ministry school program called "YWAM" [youth with a mission] In Byron bay Australia, I leave September 9th 2009 to Huntington Beach to say goodbye to friends there, and then Fly out September 12th for Australia.
This blog just to be honest up front is more of like a journal for me, I used to journal all the time and some how fell out of it, but since I enjoy typing and what not I figured I'd start a blog.
So be prepared to read not only about the wonderful things God is doing and about to do in my life, but about the hard ships I am facing as well.
Anyways as an overview of the last two weeks, I was asked to leave my moms house..again. Came down with pink eye [and I know its from using my moms mascara or from my job at the cruiselines] and found out I have a Benign Tumor in my right knee. This is A LOT to find out in a short time!
As for the good things I'm staying at my grandmas who is a wonderful person [and cook!] I have been praying a lot more then usual because once again God has been pushing me towards having more more and more faith in Him. AND I met this awesome girl named Amanda who will also be on my journey with me from Seattle too!
So basically here are the things on my heart right now that God keeps saying "faith faith faith" I guess what He is proving to me is that just like in the olden times you have faith and He will provide, what is sad about this is because of how the world is today most people have forgotten or don't believe in faith alone. They say you need a Plan B. But if you have a Plan B isn't that proving that you dont have 100 percent faith that God will provide? That would show you are doubting? yes...
So when I was talking to my mom yesterday she goes "Should I start planning on arranging a flight back for you?" I was confused, and she goes "Laura it doesn't work like that, thats not what the bible says you can't just have faith you need a Plan B, I know your going to get there and just going to have to turn around and come back!" So I said "No! faith doesn't work like that! if I have a Plan B I am not trusting in God or having full faith that He is going to come through!" Once again. That apparently isn't in the bible. But she couldn't tell me where it wasn't, so I called up someone I look up too, Russ and asked him for guidence on faith because Its not just her it's now my WHOLE family telling me to give up and that this significant amount of money is impossible to raise. Well here's how I look at it...
Say I was going to go to Vanguard University [christian college] in Newport CA it's $18,000.00 a semester! and there are 2 semesters in a year! thats $32,000.00 just for 9 months of schooling excluding holidays and time off, [and no I can't get financial help because my mom makes too much so I would be taking out loans] This is Not including Dorming, or Food, where I will be learning most of the same prinicples With Out the hands on missions work.
Now I am going to YWAM, University of Nations in Australia, for 3 months of schooling and 3 months of missions in different countries. for only about $9,000.00 and thats including dorms, food, visa's, health insurance, flights, ext. now looking at the difference, I think it's more likely I would be able to acheive this missions goal then a college goal at this point of my life.
Anyways I am writing this blog more for me then anyone and this is my way of reassuring myself..
Laura Cox
Youth With A Mission
1 Johnston Lane
Tyagarah, NSW
2481 Australia
For more information:
To watch the video check out my gadgets, the DTS title is above the Youtube gadget.
This blog just to be honest up front is more of like a journal for me, I used to journal all the time and some how fell out of it, but since I enjoy typing and what not I figured I'd start a blog.
So be prepared to read not only about the wonderful things God is doing and about to do in my life, but about the hard ships I am facing as well.
Anyways as an overview of the last two weeks, I was asked to leave my moms house..again. Came down with pink eye [and I know its from using my moms mascara or from my job at the cruiselines] and found out I have a Benign Tumor in my right knee. This is A LOT to find out in a short time!
As for the good things I'm staying at my grandmas who is a wonderful person [and cook!] I have been praying a lot more then usual because once again God has been pushing me towards having more more and more faith in Him. AND I met this awesome girl named Amanda who will also be on my journey with me from Seattle too!
So basically here are the things on my heart right now that God keeps saying "faith faith faith" I guess what He is proving to me is that just like in the olden times you have faith and He will provide, what is sad about this is because of how the world is today most people have forgotten or don't believe in faith alone. They say you need a Plan B. But if you have a Plan B isn't that proving that you dont have 100 percent faith that God will provide? That would show you are doubting? yes...
So when I was talking to my mom yesterday she goes "Should I start planning on arranging a flight back for you?" I was confused, and she goes "Laura it doesn't work like that, thats not what the bible says you can't just have faith you need a Plan B, I know your going to get there and just going to have to turn around and come back!" So I said "No! faith doesn't work like that! if I have a Plan B I am not trusting in God or having full faith that He is going to come through!" Once again. That apparently isn't in the bible. But she couldn't tell me where it wasn't, so I called up someone I look up too, Russ and asked him for guidence on faith because Its not just her it's now my WHOLE family telling me to give up and that this significant amount of money is impossible to raise. Well here's how I look at it...
Say I was going to go to Vanguard University [christian college] in Newport CA it's $18,000.00 a semester! and there are 2 semesters in a year! thats $32,000.00 just for 9 months of schooling excluding holidays and time off, [and no I can't get financial help because my mom makes too much so I would be taking out loans] This is Not including Dorming, or Food, where I will be learning most of the same prinicples With Out the hands on missions work.
Now I am going to YWAM, University of Nations in Australia, for 3 months of schooling and 3 months of missions in different countries. for only about $9,000.00 and thats including dorms, food, visa's, health insurance, flights, ext. now looking at the difference, I think it's more likely I would be able to acheive this missions goal then a college goal at this point of my life.
Anyways I am writing this blog more for me then anyone and this is my way of reassuring myself..
Here are some scripture that also back me up 100 percent! and give me more hope and faith:
Psalm 138:8 [His will for my life, I am in the palm of His hand]
Isaiah 6:8-10 [Who will go for Jesus?]
Matthew 18:19-20 [If two or more agree it shall be done]
Matthew 28:16-20 [I send you out to all the nations]
Mark 6:8-10 [Dont bring anything on your journey but the sandels on your feet]
Corinthians 1:3-9 [Give no short in any gift and happily]
Romans 4:16-21 [Abraham had faith, even when he was old and about 100 and had no hope, and God still made him the father of all the nations]
I want new hope and new life for my life. I am ready to grow up and spend time with people that share the same beliefs with me and be able to have fun like a child in a healthy environment. Im trusting and having "Kalele" that God is going to move mountains in my generation and that I will forever be changed from the expirience He is providing.
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