4 years later...

What a ride it's been, I've been journaling off and on the past couple years in journals.. however they don't get to show my testimony so I've decided to pick up blogging again. I'm hoping my story can help someone who finds herself in similar situations. There's not point in going over the mess I allowed myself to be tossed into when I got home from Australia. In fact going over my old posts brought tears to my eyes last night remembering how intimate my relationship with God was over there and made me long to get back asap! I'll fast forward.. Ben (my now husband) and I met June 16th, 2011 at Greenlake skate park. It was June 17th I'd asked him to come to a BFC event-if you've read the old posts BFC is Boarders for Christ and we hold a series of competitions throughout the summer. He ended up coming with me and my little buddy Eli, where we got lost downtown and stuck in immense traffic on the way there-I was super embarrassed. haha

Anyways no matter how much of a special person I made myself seem, he seemed to like me and that day began our dating. Our relationship was put to the test numerous times, and every time it looked like it had failed or was doomed too I cried out to God and fasted and prayed. I'm so thankful for Australia and my experience fasting, because that is the one thing I've always held on too to get back in God's graces and sacrifice for prayers. Every time I've fasted God has answered my prayers even when there was absolutely no hope at all.

Ben learned about me, and my past quickly in our relationship. At first it was really hard for him, sometimes he thought he couldn't see past it...over the course of our first year together we did endure every type of season and was honest with each other about everything...Ben is the first person I've been able to be real with and I've shared all my "stuff" with him that I hadn't with even close friends, at the end of the day he was still there for me. We had a great spring and summer traveling in 2012, we went on a two week missions trip to Hawaii, a couple trips to Westport and one weekend to La Push surfing and skateboarding. Fall and Winter of 2012 was a good year.

Because of our relationship and knowing we wanted to be together, we knew pretty early we wanted to marry each other. Then came my fear of marriage because I didn't get to witness a healthy one growing up, and next came well we're both in school...we both need careers... we don't have enough money...etc etc all the reasons to wait even though we spent most our time together. In late May 2013 Ben and I went on a break, it was his choice, and he wanted to pursue some healing in it life-and I knew I needed my own stuff delt with too so we decided to try counseling and maybe get back together after some time. We both talked to the leader of BFC and explained our struggles and how we needed to step away from the ministry for a season because we felt convicted and wanted to get this sorted before being in ministry.

Well that was probably my hardest time in our relationship..this time I thought I'd lost him for real, and a lot of insecurity came in because his church wasn't seeing grace they were telling him to end it with me. Boy did I fight that. I came to fasting and praying again, and prayed God would reveal the truth to Ben, I gave him his time-we'd agreed to texting "good morning and goodnight" and that was it no other communication...and what did God do? He revealed the truth to Ben! Ben finally saw some of the things he was being told wasn't all biblical and we got back together while still trying to work on setting better boundaries, getting our own healing, and starting over with our relationship.

July was a struggle, we were trying hard to have a biblical relationship. However once you've been there it's hard to back step. Last week of July we got into again, and this time I almost walked away,  however I put my foot down about our relationship and the path it was going on, that if we were going to be serious then we needed to get engaged and start heading towards marriage-otherwise if that wasn't our goal we weren't going to continue dating and struggling the way we were.

After about a two week break I woke up craving Mexican food and went to Taco Del Mar (which coincidentally is where Ben and I have had all our big moments happen haha) after eating I felt super sick and went home to take a nap, Ben and I during the month of July slipped up only a few times since that was the area we were working on changing the most. When I woke up I had a feeling I should take a pregnancy test because although Ben and I hadn't been around each other I wanted to give myself peace of mind...however that didn't happen, I instantly saw the positive, set it down and cried.

I called Ben and said we needed to talk NOW and I was driving over to pick him up (he was working on his boat at his parents) he said ok and it was all I could do driving over there to focus on the road. I picked him up, and was quite down the road to Golden Gardens. We got out and went down on the rocks to sit and talk...I pulled out the test and handed it to him, and he got the biggest smile on his face saying he knew, and apparently God had told him a few weeks earlier that I was going to get pregnant...well thanks for that one, I was blindsided and heart broken the timing came during the time we were trying so hard to be pure. Ok God, how can this be redeemed now??

That began the now almost 8 months of constant morning sickness (day and night) I was scared to death to tell anyone, because that meant admitting I'd messed up...in a huge way, a way that affected another life now not just my own. Technically 2 other lives because Ben and a baby's, but here I am..23 years old so close to finishing my degree, in a at the time rocky relationship, living with my grandma saving money to start traveling again (my hope was to get back to Australia this month -February haha) but plans of a baby and even of engagement or marriage weren't in my immediate future!!

We first told our counselor (we'd started seeing the same one separately and this began our together counseling) he was surprised being a christian counselor but also understanding because he knew we had been struggling. Next Ben did the most admirable thing I'd ever had someone do for me, he called my dad (because he lives in Arizona) and told him first I was pregnant, and second that he wanted to marry me and asked for his permission. All while knowing my dad is a former army ranger, I remember that day he was scared to death haha but afterwards he said it went really well and phew that was over! We told his parents next, then I told my mom, then grandma..I was terrified my mom was surprisingly thrilled, my grandma not so much..and I've still felt the ice from it unfortunately :(.

We went out and started ring searching, after we found one it took 6 weeks to make, and a week later from picking it up on September 30th he proposed to me at Edmonds Beach. Finding a venue, talking to all our families and sharing the pregnancy news and arranging with my out of state family to fly up all in the midst of me spending a lot of time in the ER due to throwing up constantly and dehydration was a very stressful, and terrifying time. Out of fear, I didn't announce publicly that we were expecting until a couple of weeks before the wedding (November 23rd, 2013) Getting married, getting in as much counseling as we could (haha) I was pretty surprised most people received the news positively, and sighed relief only to focus on the wedding part next. This post is so long, I'm going to break up our wedding story to another one, because that is a tale in itself...(check out tabs at the top to see updates)

Newness

So went to get dinner with Stace at Red Robin last week, and came out with a interview for friday, left with a position starting as a server. Stoked! After 3 years of applying at Red Robins all down the coast from WA to CA haha and this will for sure be a great expirience for waitressing. Stoked!

I'm supposed to go get my food handlers permit soon [today] Todays been alright, I was sick for over the past week that was a bummer, was up for like 4 days in a row until 4 am that was annoying! last night finally fell asleep at 10:30 pm yeeeew!

Read psalm 37 today also was super encouraging I gatta start up my reading again! And keep up with what God's plan was, continue reading, starting work, and internship...Stay on the high path the right path the path to get things done.

Anyways theres a quick update keep me in your prayers! being sick threw me off track :/

Home.

Well on tuesday it'll be one week since I've been home. So far it's been going great, and Papa's been blessing me heaps, My family, my snowboarding and skating, my friends, I'm so glad that I wasn't forgotten and that God has shown me that now this is where I'm supposed to be. Finally for the first time I don't mind the rain, I have options on what to do and where to go to skate [indoor parks all being open now (closest being bellevue)] Today at church my senior pastor asked if I would share my 6 month story to the congregation in the next few weeks, as well as talk to the youth group and how I can get more involved with the church. I'm really excited about this oppertunity because God has done SO much in me the last 6 months that the only way I can describe it (as how I did to my mom) was "I feel soooo clean. So renewed. Like a different person" I don't know how to explain it other then since I have found my identity in Christ, or like had a mental change haha and I have gone through all the healing Papa sent me to YWAM for..Iam new.

Today at church Pastor Jeff began a series to go through the ten commandments like how I learned at school. It was really cool to be able to know and understand what he was teaching and be able to elaborate on it in thinking. It really made me think again about what I've learned the last six months, Since I've been home I've felt like placed back into reality. At first I was in a culture shock, coming back to how Americans talked and how out going we are here. Where as in Byron people are more laid back and mellow. Very friendly but not so I guess harsh or bold as we are here. Already met a few new people since I've been home and I've had to remember what It's like to be I guess "back home" I am so much stronger in not only my relationship with God, but with my morals and guidelines I've set up for myself. Like I've mentioned in other blogs how purity is hugely important to me I dont want to do anything to compermise anything other then the best God has for me. I wont settle for "less" I'm excited to see what God has for my in the future I know that right now I need to focus on myself and my goals the I have just for now.

Anyways I have heaps of reading and praying to do tonight, what jobs God wants me to apply for or do, friendships to keep and persue that will benefit my relationship with God and only grow me more towards Him and friendships to let go, What ministry age God want's me to work with and how or who and what. [how to get my iPhone unlocked and fixed...] anyways the only way I can explain my feelings right now on a few other subjects are from a song I sang home on the radio after skating "Your Grace is Enough" so Papa God. Thank you that you love me no matter what, that I don't have to worry about anyone elses approval and I just can keep my eyes and heart focused on you so that my heart doesn't get broken elsewhere and I can remember that at the end of the day Your Grace is Enough and You are all I need.

Papa please reveal yourself to me...

SO I know the reason why I wasn't supposed to go to Bali. It was for this beautiful precious girl named Jade in Bondi Beach Australia :) about two weeks ago now Jade came to the point where she wanted Jesus in her life. She wanted to finally feel God and know who he was. So I was blessed with the oppertunity to lead her in that.

Well two weeks after heaps of praying and chatting about things I've finally arrived in Bondi Beach. It's so exciting to see her passion and her eagerness to feel and learn more about God. It's like shes thirsty for it and I'm able to help her find the tap to fill her life :)

Well last night after we got home from skating Jade started asking me more about Papa. She wanted to feel Him and like see a sign from God. So we were sitting on her bed in the complete dark because it was late, and we prayed and asked for God to give us a sign that He was with us :) Jade said she started feeling warmth next to her and I acknowledged that as Jesus sitting next to her :) because God brings warmth.

Well it was so crazy, all of a sudden from head to toe I got like crazy goosebumps and kinda jumped because it like surprised me! and at the same time I jump Jade saw this light. We both kinda were surprised and she wanted even more so we asked for God to show us that it was really from Him.

Well Jade got this verse in Matthew pop up in her head, and it happened to be about God being a light in the darkness! It was sooo crazy!!

Starting a relationship with God-
One way I've really learned how to hears Gods voice is just by asking Him what He wants to say to me :) I started out with just asking "Papa I want to know you more, please give me verses of encouragement today or give me a word showing me that you love me" Usually I would get verses from Psalms or other random books in the new testiment. Sometimes God tested me to see how much I trusted him haha sometimes the verses didnt even exist but I kept asking until I got one that made sence :)

As I've grown closer over the last six months I've changed my prayer on Papa please encourage me and show me your love to Ok Dad what do you want to teach me today? Which is where Job and 1st Kings have come into play. He's taught me heaps already with some old testiment books, but it's like he had to prepare me for that because usually I wouldn't know how to take it or understand it. But Since I've gotten the Message//remix Bible I've been able to understand everything! As written as a letter [message] from God [papa] to us [his children] and then as the view of a person. Not any of that "thou so art holy" its "God understands and loves you for who you are"

After I went out of her room and too bed, [I gave Jade her first bible last night she's never read it nor did she know any of the books in it] and Timithy 2 came up in her head so she goes to check her bible, and the verse that God gave her was along the lines of using the gifts God's blessed her with and to not sit in the past but to move towards the future. How is that for God speaking? Esspecially to a 17 year old girl in grade 12. Who's just gone through a hectic break up as well. How good is Papa for encouragement.

Thanks Papa for revealing yourself to us [your children] All we had to do was open our hearts and ask you to come in and speak to us and there you were Faithful to your word in showing us we can trust you. :)

dude. God.Is.Good.
<3

Sermon of Job

The reading of Job
1. Job has all he needs plus more, God has blessed him abundantly.
2. Satan goes to God telling him that Job has what he needs but If it were All taken away from him he certainly wouldn't keep praising God. God said go ahead and test him, Job kept praising God.
3. Satan goes back to God and says well surely if his health was failing he wouldn't praise God. God said go ahead and test him just don't kill him.
4. Job broke out in sores his health went downhill but he was confused because he hadn't sinned and thought God was punishing him. 3 of his friends came to encourage God to him that he must have sinned.
5. At the end of many debates between Job and his 3 friends a by stander young guy noticed they were all exhausted and decided it was his time to speak up he started encoraging Job to just praise God and no matter what he was going through he should still thank and praise God.
6. Finally God spoke up and started questioning Job, by the end Job was apologizing and asking God for forgiveness. God forgave! He told the other men to get sacrifices to have Job offer in intercession on behalf of their sin.
7. Job did as God said and God instantly blessed him again with everything plus more then what he had before God restored his family and blessed him into old age up to 140 years longer then he was.
8. God restores, no matter what your going through KEEP your eyes on Jesus! And God will always be there for you.
Relevent scriptures:
Isaiah 40:27-31

It says in Job [a promise God just made to me] That God blesses us with much, and sometimes we have to lay things down and suffer health/trials to be humbled and remember God again if he just let our lifes run perfect then we wouldn't really need God all that much and wouldn't cry out to Him on guidence and He wouldn't be able to build/grow our trust and faith in Him! BUT after these times of trials and testing God usually fills the harvest double and more then you had before this time, weather it be family, money, just blesses us hugely! God wouldnt have allowed Satan to test Job by taking away all his land, family, ox's, animals, house AND health when he broke out in sores and disease If God didnt know the whole time Job was strong enough to handel it and would never curse God's name. And because Job remained faithful God blessed him Double what he had before AND restored his family.

Basically the last 4 years I've suffered trails with school, family, friends, partying, life as a teenager, and it was hard for me, Satan tried to get my eyes off God in all sorts of ways! And in the end last year he failed, I finally called out to God and decided to follow him. It lead me to Australia. There were hard times here as well, times where I've had no money, had to suffer pain being brought back up to be healed from it, attacks on my relationship with friends and family. But He prevailed, He provided in the times I needed it! He Blessed me abundantly in everything here, and when I finished YWAM I went through a few silent weeks trying to see what the next stage was, and when the doors were shut and finally I opened up my scheduale to God and asked Him what He wanted me to do, God said He wants me home.

When I looked into the possibilty He offered me a Youth Pastor Internship, my old job back, a place to live, all my family and friends, to get more involved with Boarders for Christ. The door flew Open. When Chris Twinn saids in His Blessing sermons "When God wants the door shut its SHUT, when God wants the door open Boy It's OPEN!" Now that I'm following God's voice, It says in His word! "Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be No." God is a yes or no God if he has plans for you he'll do what he needs to get you there and things are going to work out. He is going to come through for me and provide. He is going to allow me tests and I will always try to pass them, Worship in the Days I don't feel like it. It also says He will Bless those who Bless you, and Curse those who Curse you, So God I thank you that you are going to Bless everyone who has Blessed and supported me while I've been in Uni, here in a different Country without any of my family, That you have always provided and that you always will :) Not a day will go by where a child of yours has no food we are to always be Full of you and Your word. I thank you that you bless us when we are persecuted, for our blessing is in Heaven.

I'm still so excited to see what God has for me back home and up until I get there the Miracles He is going to provide. Because God loves blessing His children.

peace and love
lolo

Processing 1st Kings

SO Basically I was talking with Papa and He has been silent for the last week because I was blantanly pushing it aside. It allll started almot 2 sundays ago. Nikki woke me up before church around 5:30 am and said Oi wana go surfing? My body and head shouted NO! but God shouted louder GO! We went out, had fun, dolphins have been out with me surfing for the last month everytime and everywhere I go surfing theres my army I prayed for and God promised me to keep me safe from any sharks or animals in the sea, they swam right under our boards and right up to us :) It was beautiful.

As I got out of the water God said "Now don't go surfing for the rest of the day." Im thinking humm ok God? Nikki asked me to go out after church said no, that night We went to church again and Pastor Nev [our surf pastor] comes up to us and was like "Today they saw a huge great white in the bay!" Well theres my answer Papa was protecting me.

Anyways Tuesday comes go for a surf, God says again Don't surf or skate tomorrow [wed] focus on Me, well wed me and Nikki end up discussing further plans for missions this year, Getting resumes sent out and meeting with managers for job, kinda just getting errands done that I felt God was telling me to do. Thursday Morning, He says spend 2 hours reading the bible and dwelling in my word this morning. I want you to read 1 Kings, Matthew, and James. Dont surf or skate untilyou've finished.

Me I start 1st Kings, and within 30 mins already had arranged to surf for a break, So I disobeyed and went for a surf. the first half was crap surf, so I went to get out, and then I loked back and it all of a sudden went form messy to clean and more consistant. So we went back out. My ear [the one I had an infection in a few weeks back] had started plugging with water here and there and by the end of the surf it was fully plugged.

Friday morning woke up with horrible ear pain, loss of all hearing in my right ear, swollen ear and face. Went to the doctor he said I had an outter ear infection to just gave me drops. The drops over night made it worse, Saturday excrusiating pain, Doctor said go to hospital. The ER saw that not only did the infection get worse but I had torn my ear drum as well. Started me on pill antibiotics and strong pain killers.

This whole time I'd read a chapter of Kings a day but couldnt focus. What I had learned in this process Was that King David had gone through many wars, He had always wanted to build a temple for God but as I understood it he had too much bloodshed on his hands to fulfil it. He had delt with many wars and hardships in his lifetime, that when Solomon became King, God said He would have a reign of Peace and He would be the one to obey God and be able to build the temple. So He spent years building the temple, so much Gold, and huge, and just this glorious amazingly beautiful Temple to worship God in.

And in this God said to me, look you have to endure trials to get to the peace period.

You have to endure pain, and trails in order to learn and grow and get the amazing gifts He has for us after we go through these tests and trails. God also asked Solomon out of anything what did He want, and Solomon asked for Wisdom and because of this selfless act, the act of not asking for more riches and honor God blessed him with His Wisdom but also with everything else he could imagine! Heaps of Gold, and wealth and took care of every need plus heaps more.

The Message//remix 1 Kings 9:1-9 "After Solomon had completed building The Temple of God and his own palace, all the projects he had set his heart on doing, God appeared to Solomon again, just as he had appeared to him at Gibeon. And God said to him, 'I've listened to and received all your prayers, your ever-so-passionate prayers. I've sanctified this Temple that you have built; My Name is stamped on it forever, my eyes are on it and my heart in it always. As for you, if you live in my presence as your father David lived, pure in heart and action, living the life I've set out for you attentively obedient to my guidance and judgements, then I'll back your kingly rule over Israel, make sure thing on a solid foundation....But if you or your sons betray me, ignoring my guidance and judgements, taking up with alien gods by serving and worshiping them, then the guarantee is off:...'"

Well tonight I finished chapter 8 to the end of 1st Kings and I learned this...God told Solomon He warned him about the women, and if Solomon fell his children would therefore fall after him. Solomon in the end fell after the women and their gods and rejected God, and because of the the kingdom fell apart afterwards. But after what Gods been telling me and Nikki and working on us in our sacrificial fasts the last couple months [me with veganism] [Our Temple] We are rebuilding our temples [bodys] and as long as we make them new, and healthy and obey God He will bless us abundantly with everything we need plus more, even though fasting and exersizing and sacrificing is HARD work and not fun it's to better our temples continuously. If we're going to strive for sponserships in skating/surfing/snowboarding, we have to also remember that its NOT about us, its about bringing Gods light into an otherwise lost industry, Taking the light off the partying and bringing it back to Gods blessing of performance.

But if we get caught up and lost in anything we do, God will turn away from us, and itll all fall apart, and He will end His blessing over us, we have to continually be reminding ourselves that in Everything we do we do it for the Glory of God.

Anyways the next chapters were of the fall of Israel and how king after king would fall more and more away from God and get worse and worse and God would redeem him self and a new king would reign and then that same king got caught up again and fell away, and so the children kept getting cursed, and there was drought in the land for 3 years and Elijah the prophet Kept sharing Gods word until it hurt, and was on the way to costing him his life. But in 1st Kings 18:30-46 God is redeeming Himself showing He is the true God over baal, they tried everything to get the god baal to light their alter, and it doesnt, they even cut themselves and stomp around. Then here comes Elijah does his preperation has them pour 3 buckets of water on his alter, then He askes God to light it and in an instant God lights it plus the water in the bucket even! then He brought the end of the drought.

But this was such a great lesson from Papa, and After I finished God ended his silence to me and quietly just praised me saying "Good job for reading all of that, your going to have a blessed skate sesh in the morning, I'm so proud of you." God is not only my surf coach, my skate coach, but he's my Papa, My Daddy, He praises me just as I praise Him. Man I love my relationship with God. Its just so real. So much more real to me then there being water to drink or a taste to it.

Verses of the month
"Dwell in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"
Luke 18:27 "What is impossible with man is possible with God."

Papa is so Good :)

So today our roomie called me and Nikki up, turns out there were two free beds at the neighbors house a couple blocks away, we carried them down the street hahaha it was so funny walking with bed frames haha people laughed. Anyways here was the confermation we are exactly where God wants us for right now. :) He blessed us with two beds :)

so yeah Dwell in the Lord and He'll give you the desires of your heart :) or just Bless you abundantly :)

Papa is good to his children yeeeow!
Skatings good,
surfings good
life is good :)

Sydney next month! Renew my passport and see Sky and Pam all in one trip thats another blessing :)

<333
lolo