4 years later...

What a ride it's been, I've been journaling off and on the past couple years in journals.. however they don't get to show my testimony so I've decided to pick up blogging again. I'm hoping my story can help someone who finds herself in similar situations. There's not point in going over the mess I allowed myself to be tossed into when I got home from Australia. In fact going over my old posts brought tears to my eyes last night remembering how intimate my relationship with God was over there and made me long to get back asap! I'll fast forward.. Ben (my now husband) and I met June 16th, 2011 at Greenlake skate park. It was June 17th I'd asked him to come to a BFC event-if you've read the old posts BFC is Boarders for Christ and we hold a series of competitions throughout the summer. He ended up coming with me and my little buddy Eli, where we got lost downtown and stuck in immense traffic on the way there-I was super embarrassed. haha

Anyways no matter how much of a special person I made myself seem, he seemed to like me and that day began our dating. Our relationship was put to the test numerous times, and every time it looked like it had failed or was doomed too I cried out to God and fasted and prayed. I'm so thankful for Australia and my experience fasting, because that is the one thing I've always held on too to get back in God's graces and sacrifice for prayers. Every time I've fasted God has answered my prayers even when there was absolutely no hope at all.

Ben learned about me, and my past quickly in our relationship. At first it was really hard for him, sometimes he thought he couldn't see past it...over the course of our first year together we did endure every type of season and was honest with each other about everything...Ben is the first person I've been able to be real with and I've shared all my "stuff" with him that I hadn't with even close friends, at the end of the day he was still there for me. We had a great spring and summer traveling in 2012, we went on a two week missions trip to Hawaii, a couple trips to Westport and one weekend to La Push surfing and skateboarding. Fall and Winter of 2012 was a good year.

Because of our relationship and knowing we wanted to be together, we knew pretty early we wanted to marry each other. Then came my fear of marriage because I didn't get to witness a healthy one growing up, and next came well we're both in school...we both need careers... we don't have enough money...etc etc all the reasons to wait even though we spent most our time together. In late May 2013 Ben and I went on a break, it was his choice, and he wanted to pursue some healing in it life-and I knew I needed my own stuff delt with too so we decided to try counseling and maybe get back together after some time. We both talked to the leader of BFC and explained our struggles and how we needed to step away from the ministry for a season because we felt convicted and wanted to get this sorted before being in ministry.

Well that was probably my hardest time in our relationship..this time I thought I'd lost him for real, and a lot of insecurity came in because his church wasn't seeing grace they were telling him to end it with me. Boy did I fight that. I came to fasting and praying again, and prayed God would reveal the truth to Ben, I gave him his time-we'd agreed to texting "good morning and goodnight" and that was it no other communication...and what did God do? He revealed the truth to Ben! Ben finally saw some of the things he was being told wasn't all biblical and we got back together while still trying to work on setting better boundaries, getting our own healing, and starting over with our relationship.

July was a struggle, we were trying hard to have a biblical relationship. However once you've been there it's hard to back step. Last week of July we got into again, and this time I almost walked away,  however I put my foot down about our relationship and the path it was going on, that if we were going to be serious then we needed to get engaged and start heading towards marriage-otherwise if that wasn't our goal we weren't going to continue dating and struggling the way we were.

After about a two week break I woke up craving Mexican food and went to Taco Del Mar (which coincidentally is where Ben and I have had all our big moments happen haha) after eating I felt super sick and went home to take a nap, Ben and I during the month of July slipped up only a few times since that was the area we were working on changing the most. When I woke up I had a feeling I should take a pregnancy test because although Ben and I hadn't been around each other I wanted to give myself peace of mind...however that didn't happen, I instantly saw the positive, set it down and cried.

I called Ben and said we needed to talk NOW and I was driving over to pick him up (he was working on his boat at his parents) he said ok and it was all I could do driving over there to focus on the road. I picked him up, and was quite down the road to Golden Gardens. We got out and went down on the rocks to sit and talk...I pulled out the test and handed it to him, and he got the biggest smile on his face saying he knew, and apparently God had told him a few weeks earlier that I was going to get pregnant...well thanks for that one, I was blindsided and heart broken the timing came during the time we were trying so hard to be pure. Ok God, how can this be redeemed now??

That began the now almost 8 months of constant morning sickness (day and night) I was scared to death to tell anyone, because that meant admitting I'd messed up...in a huge way, a way that affected another life now not just my own. Technically 2 other lives because Ben and a baby's, but here I am..23 years old so close to finishing my degree, in a at the time rocky relationship, living with my grandma saving money to start traveling again (my hope was to get back to Australia this month -February haha) but plans of a baby and even of engagement or marriage weren't in my immediate future!!

We first told our counselor (we'd started seeing the same one separately and this began our together counseling) he was surprised being a christian counselor but also understanding because he knew we had been struggling. Next Ben did the most admirable thing I'd ever had someone do for me, he called my dad (because he lives in Arizona) and told him first I was pregnant, and second that he wanted to marry me and asked for his permission. All while knowing my dad is a former army ranger, I remember that day he was scared to death haha but afterwards he said it went really well and phew that was over! We told his parents next, then I told my mom, then grandma..I was terrified my mom was surprisingly thrilled, my grandma not so much..and I've still felt the ice from it unfortunately :(.

We went out and started ring searching, after we found one it took 6 weeks to make, and a week later from picking it up on September 30th he proposed to me at Edmonds Beach. Finding a venue, talking to all our families and sharing the pregnancy news and arranging with my out of state family to fly up all in the midst of me spending a lot of time in the ER due to throwing up constantly and dehydration was a very stressful, and terrifying time. Out of fear, I didn't announce publicly that we were expecting until a couple of weeks before the wedding (November 23rd, 2013) Getting married, getting in as much counseling as we could (haha) I was pretty surprised most people received the news positively, and sighed relief only to focus on the wedding part next. This post is so long, I'm going to break up our wedding story to another one, because that is a tale in itself...(check out tabs at the top to see updates)