Realization

Its humorus how funny Satan is really trying to put up road block before I go to Australia.

1. I sent in my application for visa, they email me telling me they need a fax or email of my diploma. So now I know why God made it possible for me to graduate all because Australia doesn't let kid's that didnt graduate in. wow.

2. Mom calls today. Ok for those of you who know my mother...Stacey, Alex, Livy, Linda...and few more you know my mom and I have some issues. I am 19 almost 20 years old and I refuse to be afraid of my mother anymore. I will write honestly about her in my blogs I am NOT trying to slander her but as part of my life it has affected me.

I am going to work on my forgiveness while on DTS thats a huge part of the healing I will be going through, I know this already. But for right now, 2 weeks ago my mom was antagonizing me to the point where I couldn't just sit and be quite anymore. Usually I can handel it and just say "ok mom" and be respectful but she pushed the buttons so hard I finally just told her I knew she was on pain meds again and that She needs to just own up to her addiction like she had before instead of hiding it.

Well this made her so angry that she called the police on me and had me moved out with them there, standing around watching me tear apart my whole room, crying, and putting all of my things into garbage bags. I am laying down my pride right now and saying That was honestly the most shameful thing I think she's had done to me. It really tore me up that my mother [who has kicked me out before all due to this whole addiction] could stoop that low and call the police on her oldest daughter to have her leave.

A lot of my closest friends know the things that have gone on in my moms house, esspecially Stacey she has been there and seen up close my moms anger. Along with her mom, and Livy and Linda. I refuse to hide it anymore, I refuse to just stuff it down and believe that I'm the crazy one in this whole thing because I am not.

I would like to love my mom, I would love to have a relationship with her, and be friends, and be able to go over and hang out with her and my sister. She has dropped a huge wall between me and her and I am done trying to climb it to get to her and help her.

3. Stuart. the step dad. I dont have a relationship with him either. He knows whats going on with my mom and once told me that He is scared to confront her, When I brought this up infront of them to show my mom I wasn't the only one who saw these things, he denied it. Because "my mom is always right" and if you argue she called the police.

Anyways I need to get this off my chest. And now whoever reads this can see a little part of my life and maybe be able to understand me a little bit more. I dont like dwelling on the negative in my life, an old friend helped me realize a time where that was all I did. Now instead I push it away and think of positive things but since I'm so close to being able to get through this I feel its now time to completely open up and be vulnerable to what God has.

Once again, blogging is my online journal more for me then anyone else.